LizzieB’s blog

I would like to be completely devoid of sensitivity.

I would like to be supremely confident.

I would like to keep myself from absorbing other people's energy.

I would like to have fewer cares.

In fact, I would like to just be a super human. My power is not flying, or seeing through walls, or breathing underwater. My power is a direct separateness from all my girly feelings.

Here's how it went:
I lost my shit for no other reason than being scared that Jon is going to hurt me. And maybe he said something not entirely sensitive but not entirely bad either.  I yell and cry for about an hour. Next I decide to leave out of sheer embarrassment and the desire to stop the incident at any cost. Running away is easiest. He stops me. I calm down. I go to work and obsess all day. 
Lather
Rinse
Repeat.
Ok. OK. So I'm exaggerating. Maybe i should look at this as a good thing considering that after almost a year of dating, this is the only time I've really freaked out. I get a little upset from time to time. My feelings will get hurt. There was one other huge conversation but there really was a need for discussion and it happened calmly. It was no "you said this, you said that, your mom hates me, you shouldn't be dating me," erraticly high-pitched yelling fest.

Maybe I should be thankful that I can see myself clearly? Or maybe being ignorant and trying to decide I was right and justified would be better?
Nah.
I just feel weird. Jon and I are apart for 5 days and now we are bickering?  I keep trying to escape. I don't want to escape the entire relationship mind you, just at that moment something happens and I really want to run away. I don't want to react. I don't want to have a conversation. So my instinct is to leave so that whatever happened ends.
Perhaps this is all normal? That whole getting used to each other thing?

What is my life? My little inconsequential life that I voyeuristically display all over four different social networks? What it is? I have 2 dogs. I have a boyfriend whom I love. I have awesome friends. I have a new niece. I have work. I have school. I have bills. I have workouts. Am I really absent in my life? Did my sense of humor come and go? Am I too sensitive? Do I take things personally that I shouldn't? Did I stop being fun suddenly? And what about Jon-can I stop taking his worries on as my own? Am I just kinda fucked up or crazy? I have this urge to yell at Tommy lately. To blame him.  But the truth is I usually want to thank him for forcing me to look at myself, for forcing me to change. 

The truth-this is all normal. I know it. My reaction to it as tragic and the guilt I'm piling on is my problem. Bickering happens. The truth is I didn't intend on falling in love. I didn't intend on meeting anyone until I had moved far away from Austin and even then I planned that whoever he was would be so low on my priority list, maybe he'd be a blip. Or like the machine that goes "bing"  in Monty Python. The truth is I'm so happy to be wrong in that. Jon entering my life was no accident, of that I am sure. There is not only love and companionship here. There is not only love and the possibility of a long long time loving him. There is not only adventure and romance and that amazing feeling of life coursing through me....but we are to learn from each other. In our differences, we will better know ourselves and our individual spirits. 
 
I wrote on twitter that my brain today is like the field of grass behind Jon's house where we potty the dogs. I'm trying to walk softly and avoid the shit. But maybe I should just roll in it.   

Busy and broke. That is my life. I am so tired of being poor. I know finishing college is a must, but it is so hard to live off of savings. I'm thinking that the answer may be getting a new job. I hate the idea of getting yet another job in the restaurant industry. This one is supposed to be my last restaurant endeavor. Hopefully it is...

Jon is in New York for five days (sad face) so during this week I plan on occupying my time with Taylor May Linden (my new niece!!!!), working out, diet plan, and school. I have drastically fallen off both my diet plan and my workout regimen. Sarah's weight watchers is inspiring me to get back on it. I figure I can lose 7 to 10lbs by my birthday if I work at it. I would love to sport my new toned body at the lake on my 29th bday.

It's all I can do to be responsible right now and not spend every waking moment with Taylor.

Seeing her born is one of the major highlights of my life. It has changed me. No longer am I super duper zen about furture children. Now I hope to have one. I still maintain that life is great no matter what. If I am never able to have a kid, I'll still be happy. But it's preferable. That's a fairly dramatic swing for me.

Over the last two years, I have watched this blog go from a vaguely interesting account of being single for the first time at 27, to an online journal, to swill. I am seriously considering deleting it. It's content, quite frankly, is a bit juvenile. On top of that, if I really want to pursue my writing in the professional sense, this blog could be judged and I wouldn't want that. Oh god...not at all.
I was just thinking about how much has changed over the last two years! March 2007 I was married, about to go to Europe by myself, just put an end to the baby making to begin project "graduate college," I weighed around 140, and I was the AGM of a trendy restaurant. March 2008: Switched from management to bartending, I was in my second semester back at school and really having a hard time balancing my studies with my desire to party, spiritually driven, divorced and happily so, not really dating anyone though still making visits to Dallas to see Brett, oh wait-I did date that Brian guy for 2 seconds but lost interest in him (that's what I did, I lost interest in a couple of weeks usually), I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time with Sara, a lot of time with friends, a lot of time outside. March 2009: this month I'm feeling pretty good. Feb was difficult with the new puppy and it seems that Jon and I were going through some adjustment periods with each other. All of that seems to be smoothing out. My confidence is back. Anyway-2009 brings a switch in my studies to print journalism-I want to pursue my writing, I am dating a fantastic guy, new puppy, living in a big house with a roomie who I never see....but all this change makes me wonder what will be going on a year from now? hmmmm....

Anyhoo. I think this may be goodbye. I will sleep on it

Enter a world of change named Wallee...

This would be the new addition to my life. He is absolutely adorable....and also a royal pain in the ass. He is the reason I'm happy...and also why I can't seem to get well or get things done or get any sleep. He is worth it. Today, Sara, Wallee, and I went to the park. We ran and jumped and played like crazy. I would stop and yell to them both to COME....not only did they respond, but they sat side by side in front of me. How awesome is that?
Though, it is a bit of a transition period. Jon's stressed causing him to be a little hard on me at times. I'm stressed causing me to be ultra sensitive. But I think we are adjusting remarkably well. Things that are worth it take effort. No doubt about that.
Liz

Sometimes I really really really hate this blog. Sometimes I spend an hour (like this morning) trying to write about my day, my life, my thoughts and it comes out CRAP. Nothing interesting to say. Who the fuck wants to know that I was almost late to school today because of rain and IH35? Or that my hair is frizzy? Seriously people. BORING. Snooze. Snore. Yawn.
I'm in love with San Francisco. It's a similar feeling of the love I have for New Orleans. San Fran I would definitely live in. It has the feeling of cleanliness, of health, of nature, and of a rare and wild beauty. New Orleans is haunted and full of a mysterious energy. It's beautiful like a forest in a Grimms fairytale. New Orleans is a struggling old soul. I would never live there. 
I'm in the mood today to compile lists instead of try and form sentences. Perhaps it's because I got up too early and my brain does not want to make a lot of sense. It's in absorbtion mode. I'll try this. Maybe it'll be somewhat interesting.
I start with my standard
To do this week:

• Pay bills (credit cards first)
• give Jon $70 I owe him
• clean room, put away laundry
• grocery store
• raid Abby and Beth's closet for warm clothes.
• Get decorations for Mindy's shower
• take belly pics of Mindy
• start Jon's present

Things I'd like to add to my daily life:

• more time spent with Sara and more exercise for her. Get back to training her. Polish her training.
  

• No carbs for dinner. This would help in my continued efforts to tone up. Although I did check my inches and found that though I haven't lost any weight, I've trimmed 2 inches off my waist, hips, and theighs. Jon kept saying I seemed thinner and I guess I am. Last time I recorded my inches was in August.
• BTW-I do that via SparkPeople which is an online calorie counter/nutrition/exercise guide. It's free.
  
• Meditation-I want to keep in touch with my spirit. I find a distinct anxiety about meditation lately. I'm busy so I'm always thinking about what else I should be doing. Maybe I'll go back to Wed class.
• Salsa dance lessons with Jon
• save money. Pinch pennies.
  
• daily exercise. Maybe incorporate tennis into it? Weather is about to get really nice.
  

Alright, that's about all I have the stomach for right now. Peace.

 

My grasp has loosened but I haven't let go. My vision blurred, but I can still make you out against the backdrop. I try to make sense of the world, of my thoughts, of my family (mom in particular), of Jon and me...and the more I try the less I understand. Then it occurs to me: maybe understanding can not be actively sought. Maybe it has to come to you organically. Maybe by letting it BE it will become clearer.  Or, perhaps there is no need at all to understand.  Could be that understanding can never be achieved.  Maybe clarity is the understanding that you will never be clear.  Hmmmm....

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. And for Jon. The lesson was one of those evil, bitchy ones from which true wisdom is born. The fact of the matter is I love that man. People are going to be jealous of that. They will talk their talk and what will enter my mind is why oh why do they care at all? The funny thing is, none of this came from Jon's sister. She was perfectly at ease and fun to be around. Truthfully, I could care less what anyone thinks about this.  I'm happy. This is an amazing experience. I believe in him-he's such a surprise in so many ways.  And most importantly, I believe in me. This weekend, I learned that I could be shaken to the core of my insecurities. All these little voices popping up in my head were filled with a new and different kind of doubt. A constant stream of questions regarding my character and my place there, and if there really was a place there for me, quietly bombarded me. I lived in my head, fear lapping at my toes and confusion pulling at my hair......until today. Although a few heartfelt talks with Jon had subsided my worries, they hadn't fully retreated. Until today.  Strangely, nothing significant happened. There was no obvious sign from God. I was working (well, I was standing there and staring while at work...that counts) and it suddenly hit me that I was in intense over thinking mode. I thought back to the last week. My mood was spotted with irritability. I was being a little judgmental. A little negative. A lot sensitive in the bad way. That's not me. At all. I had so much stress on my shoulders and I decided right there to drop it. Let it go. I suddenly got back to that place where I am wonderfully grateful for everything. Where I feel connected to everything. Where I have confidence because I know I will always be ok. Always be happy.  What is there to worry about after all? My family's relaxed, laid back, and always there for me. My friends are the best. I'm care so much about this guy exactly as he is...wouldn't change a thing. I'm in school and doing well. I get the opportunity to travel. Obama is in the White House.  Sometimes we try to create problems as a defense mechanism. We are so used to things being wrong that nothing being wrong seems wrong! Not to say there is no knowledge to be gained here. But things are good. Nah, things are so much better than good.

I'm going to be busy busy busy this week. Today's my first full Monday of classes which means I will be in school from 8am to 930pm. It's a tough schedule with a ton of driving, but it will be worth it. I am taking out 10,000 in loans so the desire to get out of school asap is high. Still, if the job market is sucky, I may go straight to grad school. Ideally I'd love to work for a few years first. We shall see. 
Glad the weekend with all its oddities, mixed emotions, and drink slinging is over. Although I did have a good time with Jon's sister, plus she fixed my sick computer. I am so ready for San Francisco! I want to get giddy on too much wine and explore what I hear is an amazing city with Jon. Maybe find a few nooks and crannies where we can do a little meditation.

I went a week and finally had a couple of bites of ice cream last night. So good. Yet, I'm not craving sugary junk food at all. I've kicked it. YAY! Now comes the carb reduction. I loooove carbs and I do not believe in eliminating them entirely from my diet...but I do believe they should not be consumed late in the day. I want to replace them with fruits and veggies as much as possible. This is hard to do with a vegatarian diet, let me tell you. My plan is to eat my cereal I love in the morning. Have a little carb-age at lunch with snacks like yogurt (sugar/carb free), fruits, broccoli, and stuff like that in between. Dinner should be carb free. Then no late night snacking. We shall see how it goes. I think I can do it.
Busy week for me. I got my school schedule all worked out. Its going to be a tough semester requiring a bunch of studying. I've added in wisdom teeth surgury in a couple of weeks at Scirex so it's free. The only problem is I am high risk for nerve damage. I think I will do it anyway because I'm high risk regardless of doing it with the study or at my oral surgeons office. And the study will pay for it if I have complications. I did put in a call with my doc to get her professional opinion. I'll go from there.

Obama steps into the white house today. Jon came over to watch the inauguration of the 44th pres over omelets and fruit. While I'm really not into the whole prayer thing (and I kinda think the only reason that is done is to appease the catholics) overall it was a moving ceremony. I couldn't help but feel a shred of pity for Bush as he flew away on his plane. What is it like to be so grossly unpopular...even hated? What is it like to fail on such a scale that you have hurt an entire country? But really, this is just a passing thought amidst the excitement I feel. What happens now? No question that this is a human man. No question that there will be things attempted that may be unpopular. No question in my mind that this was meant to happen. A decline in the great capatalistic monster that has had a history of creating that all american dream, and also of ripping it from people, could be a positive change in the long run. Perhaps we will be a country who cares less about wealth? Less about power? Of course, there should be an amount of money coming in and out with the least amount of inflation or deflation possible. But greed created this horrible ego and way of life that was contrary to how we started out this great nation. Greed can not forever thrive. I am hopeful that our way of life is going to become a collectively conscious one instead of buried in green colored paper and the intoxicating aroma of needless power.

I am on day five of no sugar and feel I've nearly kicked it. I almost lost it last night. I went shopping for breakfast materials and walked up and down the candy asile for a bit. I didn't buy anything. Then I came home at 1am (i had eaten at 9) and I stared in the refrigerator for a couple of minutes-fighting with myself about what I should eat if anything. Then I realized I'm not really hungry. I'm just following a ritual...a habit. I went to bed intstead. I've decided to raise my sights to include no carbs for dinner and only whole wheat/fruit carbs will be in my diet. I want to be the healthiest and fittest me I can be. It's a worthy goal.

I feel very at peace with myself and my surrondings. I'm preparing to go to school tomorrow. I cleaned out my closet and dusted off my backpack. I'm listening to Katie Couric in the background tell of Ted Kennedy's seizure (hope he's ok). I'm looking forward to Jon's sister coming to town-though I am not sure how much time I will spend with her. I'm working a lot this weekend plus it's the first week of school. She also felt neglected the last trip and don't want her to feel that way this one. I know it must be weird for her to not only have her brother/bestfriend move away...but now he has me as well....gotta be strange and somewhat upsetting for her. So I'll just play it by ear. Then the next week is San Fran followed by shower preparations for Mindy followed by shower followed by NY trip.....gonna be a busy girl for the next two months or so.

This marks day number 3 of my no sugar diet. Gotta say, it's a lot easier than I though it was going to be. I have not exceeded my two glasses of wine cap but I did have whole wheat pasta at 1030pm. That's hard for me considering my work schedule keeps me on night owl most of the week. I weighed myself yesterday and I have dropped to 114. Probably water weight but hey...I'll take it. Again not terrible interested in the weight loss aspect. Just getting rid of the shaky shaky. Jon happens to be weight lifting/toning knowledgable. In fact, I think I'll ask him to help me write out weekly exercises to keep my memory fresh.

In other news, school starts in a week. I'm beginning my PR classes aso we shall see if it's something I like doing. I have been helping Jon write a letter of interest for a job and it's made me realize how freakin good at language I am in general. Why am I not doing that? Because I want to get out of the restaurant industry and an English degree won't do that. Round and round I go...constantly.

 

Well, off to work.