LizzieB’s blog

I can't make it to the gym. The amount of time I have is so limited that I would have to go at night. I suppose I could do that, but I'd rather hang out with Jon and the dogs. So in an effort to (1) be healthy, (2) keep weight off, and (3) practice non-violence through Ahimsa, I am going to take dairy off the menu.

I Love Cheese.

I LOVE Cheese.

I LOVE CHEESE!!!!!!!!!

Oh well. Some people love heroin but that doesn't make it good for you.

Also...I LOVE CHOCOLATE

So now I'm a dark chocolate fan forever more.

The above will be the greatest challenge.

In other news I have my first therapy appointment today. I plan to discuss two issues: the first will be my reaction to relationship stress. Guess what! Now I'm a jealous girlfriend. I never ever ever used to be but that's what divorce and infidelity will do to a woman. Keep in mind that I'm not insane and controlling over it. Not once have I asked Jon to refrain from hanging out with someone..really the whole thing has not effected him except that he has to deal with my internal misery. I am positive this is back lash from Tommy and also abandonment issues in relation to my family. Secondly, I seem to get really excited and balls out about a career path or decision...but then I freeze. Take school for instance: I make decent grades but I am frozen when it comes to committing myself to the things that REALLY matter like the school paper. I need to work for it. I have to! Or I could work for the radio station. I'm making up excuses about it. For example, the paper's website is run by this pompous dude that's in my multi media class. When he speaks, I want to throw sharp, pointed objects at him. I don't want to work for him but I have to get over that.

It should be productive. Hopefully my therapist can guide me to a place where I can weed out the crap and let my confidence spread some roots.  

Open the car door,
Pay for everything,
Give up a seat in the bus,
Pull out the chair,
Lift heavy objects,
Walk closest to the street...

...are all things my boyfriend does NOT do.

And why should he? Chivalry is not dead, but I wonder if it should be?

It's not that I'm a super femanazi and hate the idea of a man doing anything for me; I will gladly accept help from anyone if I need it. I'm more of an equal opportunist. Let's go back to the example of the bus. Say a guy gets on my full school bus carrying an armful of books and papers. He's obviously trying to reach the rail above him so that he can gain some balance. If I only had a bag, I would give him my seat. That's common courty. But, if a girl gets on my full bus carrying a purse, why the hell does she need to sit down? She can stand her happy ass up for 10 minutes.

Chivalry is werid. It's like a computer program for the guys who perform it. When I dated Brett, he went so far as to circle the entire truck to take a light grocery bag from my poor, feminine hands. It was terribly awkward and beyond unnecessary. But that's how Brett is trained. One thing Jon will do is step back to let me pass through a doorway before him. I remember at the beginning of our relationship, there was a strange pause because I would stop to let him through (since he was in front of me) and he would stop to let me through. Since Jon is the ultimate equal opportunist, it occurred to me that this desire to let me pass through a door first is firmly rooted in his brain...it's almost unconscious. Does that mean that chivalry is unconscious in itself? Perhaps their mothers beat it into their brains? 

The solution is that we should all be chivalrous. If it's convenient for me to be sweet and open the passenger door for Jon, I should. If I could make life easier for someone on the bus...why not? If I make more money than you and I am inviting you to dinner...I pay. It's common sense.

I had a dream that my left hand had an incredibly deep cut which was filled with tiny plants and mold. It didn't hurt but I had to continuously open the wound and scoop out the plants which would grow back immediately. You think you're grossed out reading this??? Imagine waking up from it. So I looked it up on dreamdictionary.com (a very reliable source. ha) and found out that my connection with the world and my relationships along with my graciousness, femininity and receptive qualities (hands) are being ignored or perhaps are about to go through a transformation (mold). However, I am still in a state of spiritual growth which never seems to go away (plants). Still, I am full of grief and worry and wish to be healed (wound in hand).

After this, I decided not to go to school today.

New house

House 003

 Decorating is nearly complete. All of the boxes are unpacked and we managed to find a place for everything with virtually NO storage in sight. Ahhh accomplishments. We are loving it. Jon and I are closer and better than ever. I am ridiculously happy...

and yet....

I'm trying desperately to remember what it's like to feel well. I've been sick for 15 days now. Half a month of icky, tired, coughy messiness. I long to work out. I looong to take a bike ride to the river. I want to take the dogs for a walk. I want to work without losing my voice. I want to go back to school and be focused! I want to drink! I want to have something to talk about. Currently, I'm reading a lot of news because I have no stories of my own to tell. Interesting things don't happen to you while riding the couch watching Sex and the City. Plus, my frustration has decided to attack Jon on occassion. Poor guy has done nothing but take care of me and I lost my shit at him because I ruined a fish taco dinner.  My only saving grace is that ever since becoming attracted to Buddhism, I've been extremely self aware. I stopped myself mid-freakout. However, I have to accept my condition as it is now, not identify with it and let it be. Not easy. This is our meditation room.

House 007

I feel really smug sometimes about avoiding the constraints of Christian thought. I've always found it to be too much about God and Christ and not enough about our fellow humans. How is it possible to be spiritually inclined when the basis of it is a fear of a place called Hell? How can anyone root themselves in the present moment when their religion is focused on the here-after? How can we better the world that way? Smuggness is very ego and every now and then I find myself happily hummiliated by a Christian. I grew up with this guy, Ryan. He was a mess. He got into drugs in the worst way and a series of tragedy fell on him throughout his early life. He watched his best friend die of a heroin overdose. He drove his car into someone's house. He was in and out of jail. And then he found God. Even after finding religion, he lost his young fiancee to cancer. I have only conversed with him via facebook, but he is truly inspiring. I feel a really beautiful energy off his facebook posts-and that is saying something. He isn't religious because of his family, or because he's afraid not to be. He is religious because Christianity is the way he has been able to connect to his spirit and the spirit of others. You won't see a happier person. This all leads me back to a less judgemental and smug thought: whatever works for you. Clearly though, I have a long way to go in my spiritual pursuit.

To do list

• study for law test tomorrow
• clean up
• start applying for summer internships
• join spj
• check out school radio and newspaper
• rest rest rest
  

A day in the life:

Sleep...sleep...sleep.
"Baaabe? Wanna have Breakfast with me?" says Jon
I am usually awake by this time anyway listening as Jon gets the dogs' food ready, as he showers and of course the chaos as he takes Wallee out of his kennel. It's not difficult for my eyes to flutter open.
YES of course, baaabe, I reply.

Rarely do I have to get up and sometimes I sleep in, but it's one of those things that has just become a tradition. I work at night. He works in the day. And so we have breakfast together every day. I guess the normal people have dinner together every night.  Maybe they use tv trays and watch Wheel of Fortune and comment of Vanna's age.

I stumble out of bed, open the bedroom door and I'm greeted by the puppy. This is not a sweet pat and lick greet. He runs full speed at me, leaps in the air and flies directly into my crotch. Every morning, I forget to be on the defensive in preparation for it. Usually, cereal and coffee are already waiting for me cause my babe is awesome. Buuuut it's easier to keep them from constantly annoying us if we feed them first. Wallee is a food fanatic. He cares about little else than breakfast and dinner. They are the highlights of his day. Consequently, we have to be armed with a water gun in order to successfully get food in his bowl. He is 70lbs at 8months old and so it hurts when he jumps on you. Jon and I can't seem to get him to appreciate the word NO yet or consequences as a matter of fact. We set the food down for them but they have to wait until we say, "Ok, go eat your breakfast." Sara gets released to eat first after she takes her anti-pee-pee pill (she's incontinent). We make Wallee wait until she has had a couple of good bites. This is to convince him of her superiority in the pack, though I'm not quite sure it's working. He runs full speed at his bowl when he cue him and eats like we have been starving him and as if any moment we are going to reach down and take his food away. After, if Wallee doesn't throw up from bolting his food, we put up the baby gate and sit down.

During breakfast:
"What are your plans today?"
Wallee no! Wallee stop. Oh, I'm going to the gym, taking the dogs out, paying bills. Wallee!!!! I'm serious mister...you better get off the couch.  Good boy.
"I have to run errands on my lunch break. Getting my Texas drivers license."
Ugh, Baaabe he has your sock.
"Wallee! Fuuuuck. Wallee! Drop it! Great, this is my last sock and it's covered in dog slobber."
Sorry babe.
"It's ok. No big really. What do you work? Are you coming over tonight? Wallee! OFF THE COUCH!"
I'm closing but I'll definitely come over. 
"Good. Shit, I forgot to make my lunch."
Wallee! I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T PUT DOWN MY SHOE...!"

After Jon leaves for work, Wallee goes back in the kennel so Sara and I can go back to bed. He gives me about 30 minutes before the whining begins. I try to sleep through it and I can a little bit. I refuse to get up before 9am to let him back out. I try to not reward his whining. So at 9am, I wait until he stops for a minute and get up to let him out. He charges Sara, gallops around the apt grunting and growling, rolls on his back and bites things.  Next he jumps up on every counter trying to see if he can reach anything good. He usually gets the pot holder. I get it back. And he goes and gets something else. After 30 minutes he's tired from all this and goes to sleep.

The rest of the day is Operation Tire Wallee Out usually starting during the heat of the day at Town Lake. My new method is to park far enough away that I have to walk them a bit. Then they get off leash and swim for about an hour. Wallee is a good boy at the park. He comes when I call him and brings me his ball to throw. UNTIL...that is....it's time to leave. I usually have another ball or a treat to lure him so I can get him on the leash. This can take up to 30 minutes.

Tired puppy is lovey, sweet and give a lot of kisses. He sleeps while I get ready for work. Jon comes home to give them dinner and take over puppy duty. By the time he gets home, Wallee is recovered from the afternoon and ready for more rambunctious Wallee fun.

I look at Sara. She's five now and she's perfect. Her flaws include whining when I make her go outside and every now and then she tries to jump and lick someone's face. But she is obedient, calm, sweet, PERFECT. Was this the same puppy that used to bite my feet? Was this the same puppy who I followed around screaming Sara no! Sara that's my sock! Sara get off the couch! Same dog who once ate an entire pumpkin bread? I suppose that means Wallee will be a good boy too.
   

Michael Jackson died. There is a detachment that goes along with celebrity deaths that seems to center on this idea that they are not human beings. I mean, how could they be? How could MJ be human? He had a lot of plastic surgery therefore he obviously didn't breathe air like we do. He put masks on his children which of course means he did not eat or drink as we do.  There were allegations that he molested a little boy....that one's hard to comment on. Personally I always thought of Michael as being little more than a child himself. Aside from possibly impregnating women to have his own children, I can not picture him being a very sexual person let alone a sexual deviant. Of course that's just another allegation. We will never know. But even if he was a sexual deviant; even if he was evil and crude...he is dead. What satisfaction does it give a person to rejoice in it as if a human death is entertainment? Evil is tragic in itself. I'm not saying I mourn for evil guys, but I definitely don't sing Ding Dong the Witch is dead as if I'm sitting in ancient rome  laughing as the prisoner is eaten by a lion. It's more like A Thing That Makes Ya Go Hmmmm. Anyway, I don't think MJ was evil. I think he was the king of pop and an amazing entertainer that was a direct influence on my love of music. For that, I mourn you, Michael. For that, I narrow my eyes into slits at all the ridiculous comments on facebook about your memorial yesterday (although I wasn't really cool with the whole coffin thing. It was distracting).

In other news, Miami in a week! YAY! We are renting bikes and drinking ourselves silly on South Beach. I can't really afford it..but ohhh well. My little family is very happy. Jon and I are considering the big move in. I'm into it. I'm ready. I love him and want to wake up with him everyday (actually, I already do...I'd just like my stuff here as well. ha!). He may not be. I think he is taking his time to make sure his own motivation is not money related. If he isn't ready for all that, I totally understand. It's a big decision and I appreciate it not being taken lightly. Wallee is not noticibly but minisculely less crazy. Sara is still my guardian angel. Mom, Emily and Dad all seem happy. Life is good. I'm missing school though. Remind me I said this in a month. 

I would like to be completely devoid of sensitivity.

I would like to be supremely confident.

I would like to keep myself from absorbing other people's energy.

I would like to have fewer cares.

In fact, I would like to just be a super human. My power is not flying, or seeing through walls, or breathing underwater. My power is a direct separateness from all my girly feelings.

Here's how it went:
I lost my shit for no other reason than being scared that Jon is going to hurt me. And maybe he said something not entirely sensitive but not entirely bad either.  I yell and cry for about an hour. Next I decide to leave out of sheer embarrassment and the desire to stop the incident at any cost. Running away is easiest. He stops me. I calm down. I go to work and obsess all day. 
Lather
Rinse
Repeat.
Ok. OK. So I'm exaggerating. Maybe i should look at this as a good thing considering that after almost a year of dating, this is the only time I've really freaked out. I get a little upset from time to time. My feelings will get hurt. There was one other huge conversation but there really was a need for discussion and it happened calmly. It was no "you said this, you said that, your mom hates me, you shouldn't be dating me," erraticly high-pitched yelling fest.

Maybe I should be thankful that I can see myself clearly? Or maybe being ignorant and trying to decide I was right and justified would be better?
Nah.
I just feel weird. Jon and I are apart for 5 days and now we are bickering?  I keep trying to escape. I don't want to escape the entire relationship mind you, just at that moment something happens and I really want to run away. I don't want to react. I don't want to have a conversation. So my instinct is to leave so that whatever happened ends.
Perhaps this is all normal? That whole getting used to each other thing?

What is my life? My little inconsequential life that I voyeuristically display all over four different social networks? What it is? I have 2 dogs. I have a boyfriend whom I love. I have awesome friends. I have a new niece. I have work. I have school. I have bills. I have workouts. Am I really absent in my life? Did my sense of humor come and go? Am I too sensitive? Do I take things personally that I shouldn't? Did I stop being fun suddenly? And what about Jon-can I stop taking his worries on as my own? Am I just kinda fucked up or crazy? I have this urge to yell at Tommy lately. To blame him.  But the truth is I usually want to thank him for forcing me to look at myself, for forcing me to change. 

The truth-this is all normal. I know it. My reaction to it as tragic and the guilt I'm piling on is my problem. Bickering happens. The truth is I didn't intend on falling in love. I didn't intend on meeting anyone until I had moved far away from Austin and even then I planned that whoever he was would be so low on my priority list, maybe he'd be a blip. Or like the machine that goes "bing"  in Monty Python. The truth is I'm so happy to be wrong in that. Jon entering my life was no accident, of that I am sure. There is not only love and companionship here. There is not only love and the possibility of a long long time loving him. There is not only adventure and romance and that amazing feeling of life coursing through me....but we are to learn from each other. In our differences, we will better know ourselves and our individual spirits. 
 
I wrote on twitter that my brain today is like the field of grass behind Jon's house where we potty the dogs. I'm trying to walk softly and avoid the shit. But maybe I should just roll in it.   

Busy and broke. That is my life. I am so tired of being poor. I know finishing college is a must, but it is so hard to live off of savings. I'm thinking that the answer may be getting a new job. I hate the idea of getting yet another job in the restaurant industry. This one is supposed to be my last restaurant endeavor. Hopefully it is...

Jon is in New York for five days (sad face) so during this week I plan on occupying my time with Taylor May Linden (my new niece!!!!), working out, diet plan, and school. I have drastically fallen off both my diet plan and my workout regimen. Sarah's weight watchers is inspiring me to get back on it. I figure I can lose 7 to 10lbs by my birthday if I work at it. I would love to sport my new toned body at the lake on my 29th bday.

It's all I can do to be responsible right now and not spend every waking moment with Taylor.

Taylor

Over the last two years, I have watched this blog go from a vaguely interesting account of being single for the first time at 27, to an online journal, to swill. I am seriously considering deleting it. It's content, quite frankly, is a bit juvenile. On top of that, if I really want to pursue my writing in the professional sense, this blog could be judged and I wouldn't want that. Oh god...not at all.
I was just thinking about how much has changed over the last two years! March 2007 I was married, about to go to Europe by myself, just put an end to the baby making to begin project "graduate college," I weighed around 140, and I was the AGM of a trendy restaurant. March 2008: Switched from management to bartending, I was in my second semester back at school and really having a hard time balancing my studies with my desire to party, spiritually driven, divorced and happily so, not really dating anyone though still making visits to Dallas to see Brett, oh wait-I did date that Brian guy for 2 seconds but lost interest in him (that's what I did, I lost interest in a couple of weeks usually), I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time with Sara, a lot of time with friends, a lot of time outside. March 2009: this month I'm feeling pretty good. Feb was difficult with the new puppy and it seems that Jon and I were going through some adjustment periods with each other. All of that seems to be smoothing out. My confidence is back. Anyway-2009 brings a switch in my studies to print journalism-I want to pursue my writing, I am dating a fantastic guy, new puppy, living in a big house with a roomie who I never see....but all this change makes me wonder what will be going on a year from now? hmmmm....

Anyhoo. I think this may be goodbye. I will sleep on it

Enter a world of change named Wallee...