A field of shit.

I would like to be completely devoid of sensitivity.

I would like to be supremely confident.

I would like to keep myself from absorbing other people's energy.

I would like to have fewer cares.

In fact, I would like to just be a super human. My power is not flying, or seeing through walls, or breathing underwater. My power is a direct separateness from all my girly feelings.

Here's how it went:
I lost my shit for no other reason than being scared that Jon is going to hurt me. And maybe he said something not entirely sensitive but not entirely bad either.  I yell and cry for about an hour. Next I decide to leave out of sheer embarrassment and the desire to stop the incident at any cost. Running away is easiest. He stops me. I calm down. I go to work and obsess all day. 
Lather
Rinse
Repeat.
Ok. OK. So I'm exaggerating. Maybe i should look at this as a good thing considering that after almost a year of dating, this is the only time I've really freaked out. I get a little upset from time to time. My feelings will get hurt. There was one other huge conversation but there really was a need for discussion and it happened calmly. It was no "you said this, you said that, your mom hates me, you shouldn't be dating me," erraticly high-pitched yelling fest.

Maybe I should be thankful that I can see myself clearly? Or maybe being ignorant and trying to decide I was right and justified would be better?
Nah.
I just feel weird. Jon and I are apart for 5 days and now we are bickering?  I keep trying to escape. I don't want to escape the entire relationship mind you, just at that moment something happens and I really want to run away. I don't want to react. I don't want to have a conversation. So my instinct is to leave so that whatever happened ends.
Perhaps this is all normal? That whole getting used to each other thing?

What is my life? My little inconsequential life that I voyeuristically display all over four different social networks? What it is? I have 2 dogs. I have a boyfriend whom I love. I have awesome friends. I have a new niece. I have work. I have school. I have bills. I have workouts. Am I really absent in my life? Did my sense of humor come and go? Am I too sensitive? Do I take things personally that I shouldn't? Did I stop being fun suddenly? And what about Jon-can I stop taking his worries on as my own? Am I just kinda fucked up or crazy? I have this urge to yell at Tommy lately. To blame him.  But the truth is I usually want to thank him for forcing me to look at myself, for forcing me to change. 

The truth-this is all normal. I know it. My reaction to it as tragic and the guilt I'm piling on is my problem. Bickering happens. The truth is I didn't intend on falling in love. I didn't intend on meeting anyone until I had moved far away from Austin and even then I planned that whoever he was would be so low on my priority list, maybe he'd be a blip. Or like the machine that goes "bing"  in Monty Python. The truth is I'm so happy to be wrong in that. Jon entering my life was no accident, of that I am sure. There is not only love and companionship here. There is not only love and the possibility of a long long time loving him. There is not only adventure and romance and that amazing feeling of life coursing through me....but we are to learn from each other. In our differences, we will better know ourselves and our individual spirits. 
 
I wrote on twitter that my brain today is like the field of grass behind Jon's house where we potty the dogs. I'm trying to walk softly and avoid the shit. But maybe I should just roll in it.