The art of overthinking...everything. By Lizzie

My grasp has loosened but I haven't let go. My vision blurred, but I can still make you out against the backdrop. I try to make sense of the world, of my thoughts, of my family (mom in particular), of Jon and me...and the more I try the less I understand. Then it occurs to me: maybe understanding can not be actively sought. Maybe it has to come to you organically. Maybe by letting it BE it will become clearer.  Or, perhaps there is no need at all to understand.  Could be that understanding can never be achieved.  Maybe clarity is the understanding that you will never be clear.  Hmmmm....

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. And for Jon. The lesson was one of those evil, bitchy ones from which true wisdom is born. The fact of the matter is I love that man. People are going to be jealous of that. They will talk their talk and what will enter my mind is why oh why do they care at all? The funny thing is, none of this came from Jon's sister. She was perfectly at ease and fun to be around. Truthfully, I could care less what anyone thinks about this.  I'm happy. This is an amazing experience. I believe in him-he's such a surprise in so many ways.  And most importantly, I believe in me. This weekend, I learned that I could be shaken to the core of my insecurities. All these little voices popping up in my head were filled with a new and different kind of doubt. A constant stream of questions regarding my character and my place there, and if there really was a place there for me, quietly bombarded me. I lived in my head, fear lapping at my toes and confusion pulling at my hair......until today. Although a few heartfelt talks with Jon had subsided my worries, they hadn't fully retreated. Until today.  Strangely, nothing significant happened. There was no obvious sign from God. I was working (well, I was standing there and staring while at work...that counts) and it suddenly hit me that I was in intense over thinking mode. I thought back to the last week. My mood was spotted with irritability. I was being a little judgmental. A little negative. A lot sensitive in the bad way. That's not me. At all. I had so much stress on my shoulders and I decided right there to drop it. Let it go. I suddenly got back to that place where I am wonderfully grateful for everything. Where I feel connected to everything. Where I have confidence because I know I will always be ok. Always be happy.  What is there to worry about after all? My family's relaxed, laid back, and always there for me. My friends are the best. I'm care so much about this guy exactly as he is...wouldn't change a thing. I'm in school and doing well. I get the opportunity to travel. Obama is in the White House.  Sometimes we try to create problems as a defense mechanism. We are so used to things being wrong that nothing being wrong seems wrong! Not to say there is no knowledge to be gained here. But things are good. Nah, things are so much better than good.