The change changes. A dedication to my German sister.

Today is the beginning of a new month. Would it be alright if I treated the first of November as if it were the first of January? There is something so seductive yet eternally flimsy about the idea of starting over.  There is no way to start over. You are who you are. That year, that month, that week, that weekend, that day happened and there's no going back. Change occurred, whether immediately beneficial or a late bloomer, and you have to deal with it. I'm a believer that all change is essentially good even though it is not always evident. Sometimes change steps forward from behind the dark and awkward cloud of circumstance. Sometimes it's outright traumatic.  Then the change changes.  Do me a favor...tell me this minute that I am not the same person as I was 10 minutes ago. The clouds have moved since then, then sun exudes a different level of light, my thoughts are water one minute, ice the next, then steam, then evaporated drops so small that I can only perceive them through touch. They form clouds, they rain, they mix with other atmospheres either strengthening or weakening the level of the storm, or they add to the density of the serene puff of pure white...upon what? What? MY command. Upon my command they break with the front, the Gulf Stream. Upon my command they peak, they valley, they flood, they are ever so still and quiet. Upon my command changing tides reach out to touch my feet, or quickly recede in horror. Upon my command the happiest typhoon runs merrily off into the night leaving the debris of my thoughts in it's wake....a cleansing.

As it is, As it was...Once upon a time-

I was a child. I was a scared child. I was an imaginative child. I was a child who read and wrote stories. I was a child who wanted to be friends. I was a child who listened for her father's snoring in the dead of night. I was a scared child.

Once upon a time-

I was a teen. I was a mischievous teen. I was a teen who wrote dark poetry and smoked her mother's old cigarette butts. I was a teen who loved the Beatles, Leonard Cohen,  Janis Joplin, The Cure, Beavis and Butthead ( but NOT Ren and Stimpy), Bob Dylan, Led Zepplin, The Who, Pink Floyd, and theater. I was a teen who had a lot of friends, who played, who danced, who sang. I was a teen who interfered, who loved her, who opposed drugs but ironically not alcohol. I was a scared teen.

Once upon a time-

I was a POW-a prisoner of wife. I was a wife who watched TV-What not to Wear, Dr. Phil, Bewitched, The Price is Right, Lost, Seinfeld, Friends, Home Improvement, The Simpsons, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model. I was a wife who came home to an alcoholic husband who worshiped her. I was a wife who received presents, accolades, compliments, pedestals, grapes, poems, songs, post its, freedom.  I was a wife in a martyred role as if given to me from the Director of the eternal universe. I was a miserable wife, a wretched wife, an exemplary wife, screaming to get out from the depths of my prison. I was a scared wife.

Once upon a  time-

I was a divorcee. I was a scared divorcee. I was a divorcee who received looks, pats, nudges, nods, sympathy, acknowledgment, the once over, talks, drugs, gifts, scents, wonder, worry, distaste, encouragement, money. I was a divorcee who saw the mirror, saw the heart, felt the spirit, felt the love.  I was a divorcee happily trembling in my freedom, laughing, mingling, experiencing, learning, being with me, myself, and I...I was the happiest divorcee.

I am-

One soul. One heart. One mind. One nose. One mouth. Two eyes. Two arms. Two legs. Two hemispheres.  One woman. One girl. One human. One nothing.

I am-

A student. A sister. A daughter. A girlfriend. A friend. A lover. A slinger. A dancer. A mystery. An afterthought. A complication. A need. A belief. A breath of air-here and gone. A stroke of luck. A superstition. An illusion. A revelation.  

I am-

Intense. Incorrigible. Impervious. Insatiable. Instinctual. Inseparable. Independent. In demand. Involved. In my head. In my feet. In my stomach. In a room. In a house. On a street. In Austin. In Texas. In the USA. In the west. Above the equator. On Earth. Around the sun. In the milky way. In the universe. In love. In life. In LOVE. In LIFE.

Here.