Posts (page 2)

Sometimes I really really really hate this blog. Sometimes I spend an hour (like this morning) trying to write about my day, my life, my thoughts and it comes out CRAP. Nothing interesting to say. Who the fuck wants to know that I was almost late to school today because of rain and IH35? Or that my hair is frizzy? Seriously people. BORING. Snooze. Snore. Yawn.
I'm in love with San Francisco. It's a similar feeling of the love I have for New Orleans. San Fran I would definitely live in. It has the feeling of cleanliness, of health, of nature, and of a rare and wild beauty. New Orleans is haunted and full of a mysterious energy. It's beautiful like a forest in a Grimms fairytale. New Orleans is a struggling old soul. I would never live there. 
I'm in the mood today to compile lists instead of try and form sentences. Perhaps it's because I got up too early and my brain does not want to make a lot of sense. It's in absorbtion mode. I'll try this. Maybe it'll be somewhat interesting.
I start with my standard
To do this week:

• Pay bills (credit cards first)
• give Jon $70 I owe him
• clean room, put away laundry
• grocery store
• raid Abby and Beth's closet for warm clothes.
• Get decorations for Mindy's shower
• take belly pics of Mindy
• start Jon's present

Things I'd like to add to my daily life:

• more time spent with Sara and more exercise for her. Get back to training her. Polish her training.
  

• No carbs for dinner. This would help in my continued efforts to tone up. Although I did check my inches and found that though I haven't lost any weight, I've trimmed 2 inches off my waist, hips, and theighs. Jon kept saying I seemed thinner and I guess I am. Last time I recorded my inches was in August.
• BTW-I do that via SparkPeople which is an online calorie counter/nutrition/exercise guide. It's free.
  
• Meditation-I want to keep in touch with my spirit. I find a distinct anxiety about meditation lately. I'm busy so I'm always thinking about what else I should be doing. Maybe I'll go back to Wed class.
• Salsa dance lessons with Jon
• save money. Pinch pennies.
  
• daily exercise. Maybe incorporate tennis into it? Weather is about to get really nice.
  

Alright, that's about all I have the stomach for right now. Peace.

 

My grasp has loosened but I haven't let go. My vision blurred, but I can still make you out against the backdrop. I try to make sense of the world, of my thoughts, of my family (mom in particular), of Jon and me...and the more I try the less I understand. Then it occurs to me: maybe understanding can not be actively sought. Maybe it has to come to you organically. Maybe by letting it BE it will become clearer.  Or, perhaps there is no need at all to understand.  Could be that understanding can never be achieved.  Maybe clarity is the understanding that you will never be clear.  Hmmmm....

This last weekend was a learning experience for me. And for Jon. The lesson was one of those evil, bitchy ones from which true wisdom is born. The fact of the matter is I love that man. People are going to be jealous of that. They will talk their talk and what will enter my mind is why oh why do they care at all? The funny thing is, none of this came from Jon's sister. She was perfectly at ease and fun to be around. Truthfully, I could care less what anyone thinks about this.  I'm happy. This is an amazing experience. I believe in him-he's such a surprise in so many ways.  And most importantly, I believe in me. This weekend, I learned that I could be shaken to the core of my insecurities. All these little voices popping up in my head were filled with a new and different kind of doubt. A constant stream of questions regarding my character and my place there, and if there really was a place there for me, quietly bombarded me. I lived in my head, fear lapping at my toes and confusion pulling at my hair......until today. Although a few heartfelt talks with Jon had subsided my worries, they hadn't fully retreated. Until today.  Strangely, nothing significant happened. There was no obvious sign from God. I was working (well, I was standing there and staring while at work...that counts) and it suddenly hit me that I was in intense over thinking mode. I thought back to the last week. My mood was spotted with irritability. I was being a little judgmental. A little negative. A lot sensitive in the bad way. That's not me. At all. I had so much stress on my shoulders and I decided right there to drop it. Let it go. I suddenly got back to that place where I am wonderfully grateful for everything. Where I feel connected to everything. Where I have confidence because I know I will always be ok. Always be happy.  What is there to worry about after all? My family's relaxed, laid back, and always there for me. My friends are the best. I'm care so much about this guy exactly as he is...wouldn't change a thing. I'm in school and doing well. I get the opportunity to travel. Obama is in the White House.  Sometimes we try to create problems as a defense mechanism. We are so used to things being wrong that nothing being wrong seems wrong! Not to say there is no knowledge to be gained here. But things are good. Nah, things are so much better than good.

I'm going to be busy busy busy this week. Today's my first full Monday of classes which means I will be in school from 8am to 930pm. It's a tough schedule with a ton of driving, but it will be worth it. I am taking out 10,000 in loans so the desire to get out of school asap is high. Still, if the job market is sucky, I may go straight to grad school. Ideally I'd love to work for a few years first. We shall see. 
Glad the weekend with all its oddities, mixed emotions, and drink slinging is over. Although I did have a good time with Jon's sister, plus she fixed my sick computer. I am so ready for San Francisco! I want to get giddy on too much wine and explore what I hear is an amazing city with Jon. Maybe find a few nooks and crannies where we can do a little meditation.

I went a week and finally had a couple of bites of ice cream last night. So good. Yet, I'm not craving sugary junk food at all. I've kicked it. YAY! Now comes the carb reduction. I loooove carbs and I do not believe in eliminating them entirely from my diet...but I do believe they should not be consumed late in the day. I want to replace them with fruits and veggies as much as possible. This is hard to do with a vegatarian diet, let me tell you. My plan is to eat my cereal I love in the morning. Have a little carb-age at lunch with snacks like yogurt (sugar/carb free), fruits, broccoli, and stuff like that in between. Dinner should be carb free. Then no late night snacking. We shall see how it goes. I think I can do it.
Busy week for me. I got my school schedule all worked out. Its going to be a tough semester requiring a bunch of studying. I've added in wisdom teeth surgury in a couple of weeks at Scirex so it's free. The only problem is I am high risk for nerve damage. I think I will do it anyway because I'm high risk regardless of doing it with the study or at my oral surgeons office. And the study will pay for it if I have complications. I did put in a call with my doc to get her professional opinion. I'll go from there.

Obama steps into the white house today. Jon came over to watch the inauguration of the 44th pres over omelets and fruit. While I'm really not into the whole prayer thing (and I kinda think the only reason that is done is to appease the catholics) overall it was a moving ceremony. I couldn't help but feel a shred of pity for Bush as he flew away on his plane. What is it like to be so grossly unpopular...even hated? What is it like to fail on such a scale that you have hurt an entire country? But really, this is just a passing thought amidst the excitement I feel. What happens now? No question that this is a human man. No question that there will be things attempted that may be unpopular. No question in my mind that this was meant to happen. A decline in the great capatalistic monster that has had a history of creating that all american dream, and also of ripping it from people, could be a positive change in the long run. Perhaps we will be a country who cares less about wealth? Less about power? Of course, there should be an amount of money coming in and out with the least amount of inflation or deflation possible. But greed created this horrible ego and way of life that was contrary to how we started out this great nation. Greed can not forever thrive. I am hopeful that our way of life is going to become a collectively conscious one instead of buried in green colored paper and the intoxicating aroma of needless power.

I am on day five of no sugar and feel I've nearly kicked it. I almost lost it last night. I went shopping for breakfast materials and walked up and down the candy asile for a bit. I didn't buy anything. Then I came home at 1am (i had eaten at 9) and I stared in the refrigerator for a couple of minutes-fighting with myself about what I should eat if anything. Then I realized I'm not really hungry. I'm just following a ritual...a habit. I went to bed intstead. I've decided to raise my sights to include no carbs for dinner and only whole wheat/fruit carbs will be in my diet. I want to be the healthiest and fittest me I can be. It's a worthy goal.

I feel very at peace with myself and my surrondings. I'm preparing to go to school tomorrow. I cleaned out my closet and dusted off my backpack. I'm listening to Katie Couric in the background tell of Ted Kennedy's seizure (hope he's ok). I'm looking forward to Jon's sister coming to town-though I am not sure how much time I will spend with her. I'm working a lot this weekend plus it's the first week of school. She also felt neglected the last trip and don't want her to feel that way this one. I know it must be weird for her to not only have her brother/bestfriend move away...but now he has me as well....gotta be strange and somewhat upsetting for her. So I'll just play it by ear. Then the next week is San Fran followed by shower preparations for Mindy followed by shower followed by NY trip.....gonna be a busy girl for the next two months or so.

This marks day number 3 of my no sugar diet. Gotta say, it's a lot easier than I though it was going to be. I have not exceeded my two glasses of wine cap but I did have whole wheat pasta at 1030pm. That's hard for me considering my work schedule keeps me on night owl most of the week. I weighed myself yesterday and I have dropped to 114. Probably water weight but hey...I'll take it. Again not terrible interested in the weight loss aspect. Just getting rid of the shaky shaky. Jon happens to be weight lifting/toning knowledgable. In fact, I think I'll ask him to help me write out weekly exercises to keep my memory fresh.

In other news, school starts in a week. I'm beginning my PR classes aso we shall see if it's something I like doing. I have been helping Jon write a letter of interest for a job and it's made me realize how freakin good at language I am in general. Why am I not doing that? Because I want to get out of the restaurant industry and an English degree won't do that. Round and round I go...constantly.

 

Well, off to work.

 

It occurred to me today, as I worked out HARD for the third day in a row, that my diet is poo. I am sooo addicted to sugar it's crazy. In addition to that, it's difficult with my work schedule to abstain from ingesting semi-crap food late at night. I think perhaps that is why I've plateaued. Realistically, I look great. I've maintained a really good weight for the last year. I went from nearly 145 to 115 and have stayed there. At this point I'm not into losing weight so much as achieving and maintaining a toned body. I'm growing more and more comfortable with the fact that I have a belly and likely no amount of work will get rid of it. I've decided to try and love it. But after discussing it with my belly, we both agree it could be stronger and more defined. Same with arms, legs...all of it. I can't even do more than a couple of real push ups! A cold truth (unless you happened to be named Jon whose abbs can rock out a 6 pack in two days of work) is that diet is the MAIN culprit in weight gain or flabby-ness. Sugar is toxic. White flour has no business in my diet as it's just empty calories. Alcohol is the best thing to give up if you want to loose body fat. So what am I willing to give up? To be totally honest, I don't drink that much. I have about 2 glasses of wine every day. And I loooove that. It's relaxing and it's something I love doing with Jon. So I don't think I'll give it up. The rest of refined sugar, however, needs to become a treat instead of a daily thing. The only way to do that at this point is to give it up entirely for a stretch of time, then I can indulge every now and then. White flour is the easiest to give up for me. What that means is fewer tortillas (no flour torts), no eating the bread at work, no white rice, etc. I mean, this stuff isn't rocket science (I love that cliche). Eat more fruits and veggies, fewer carbs and fats, and exercise a bunch. My regime has been run for 2miles on a 1.5incline at 5.5mph peppered with some muscle work and yoga. The last 3 days it's been run for 2.5 miles at 5.5mph half the time, 6mph the other half at a 2.0 incline, arms and abbs one day, legs and abbs the next. Also trying to incorporate stair master in there on leg days. Also trying to run outside more which is hard with asthma.

Okay, so this rant has a purpose. While Liz has challenged herself to dress up more and it seems to have worked out well for her, while Sarah is back at weight-watchers taking charge of her life, I will be moving towards my actual goal weight and physique that I have had in mind for so long. I will keep doing what I'm doing exercise-wise while increasing my speed and milage every week or so. I'm giving up refined sugar (except for my 2 glasses of wine) for an indeterminable amount of time. I'm limiting my white flour intake. All of this beginning today.

I have a lot to do today so I can't spend too much time voxing. The majority of today will be spent trying to get enough done so I can get day drunk after my work wine tasting. It's sorta a tradition...get a tiny bit high on a tiny bit of wine then go out with everyone to some sort of happy hour. However, I have to try and get a spanish class at ACC and run today so who knows if day drunk will actually work out. Sounds like fun though.

In other news, I saw Slumdog Millionaire last night. It's excellent though quite the whirlwind of emotions. I love a movie that adequately potrays the complicated human personality. One character (I won't say who) you hate one minute, then love, then have hope for, and are finally left with the sense of him being a marytr. A tragic hero somehow trying to survive while being riddled with temptations he can not ignore. Very shakespearian character. He has enormous flaws. Anyhoo...go see it immediately.  

Jon and I went hiking the other day in the death of Twin falls. Nothing left in this dry season but rocks and a chasm. We had a blast climbing roots and scaling small cliffs to get to little caves.

 

 

So fun. Love doing outdoorsy stuff. :) We got back to his place later that night and were greeted by the brightest moon of the year.

 

It's so bright that there is a ring around it! WOW. Breathtaking.

 

THat's all for now. Stay tuned for school schedule arranging merriment.

Despite the problems at work, it's been a good week. I hung out with a lot of my friends: saw Matt twice and he finally met Jon so now he can stop bitching at me about it, picnic in the park with Mindy and her belly,  went to see a great play with Abby and Beth, went to Jon's band practice and saw half his show, going on a fancy dinner date with him tonight, teeth tightening and registering for classes tomorrow, dinner with Paul Tuesday.  I'm using this time to catch up with my friends and have a little fun before saving for San Fran and NY.  I'm incredibily excited to get out of town. I'm incredibly excited to travel with Jon. Every day we open up to each other more. Every day I'm surprised. Every day we get closer. Every day is new.

I had lunch with Jeremy recently and it occured to me that I don't really have fun with him anymore.Once he opens up a little bit and stops trying to be cool, I like him. In the meantime, I have to sit and listen to his negativity and watch how he entertains himself by making fun of people. I think perhaps I used to be the same way and that's when we were close. Oh well. You can't maintain all your friendships. Some of them should calmly float away.

Todo list

• clean room
• clean car
• car registration
• pay bills
• get computer fixed
• Register for school
• save money!

 

Work: Look...I'm not saving lives, right? I mean, I guess that's perception based considering I push alcohol for a living...but by and large I make very little difference in this world doing what I do. What's interesting to me is how my bosses can act like my job is such a big deal they have to nit pick every aspect of it. My good friend Liz is an engineer for Verizon and is in charge of the "switch" for several states. If her job is in jeopardy it is due to millions of people not being able to call 911 (not that that's ever happened...at least I don't think so. That's just how she explained it to me). Apparently, my job is in jeopardy because I left an espresso cup in a bar cooler. Nope, didn't piss off a customer. I cost the company no money. I left a cup in the cooler. Oh, and apparently there was some stickiness on the speed well. My bad on that. What's funny is that I think this is Karamic retribution for being such a dick when I was a manager. Anyway, like I say everytime they piss me off, time to find a new job. Ya know, the thing is I'm letting this get to me. There is nothing but me aggravating me right now. I have been rehearsing a speech to give the managers all night such as this: Hmmmm...that's interesting since I've been number one on the schedule consistantly, I was employee of the week, and won a wine contest. Seems like an excuse to me (which it is. I also was given the heads up that they are trying to promote someone into management and need to make room in the bar. How convenient). I don't know how it'll go down, but I'm glad to get to sleep off my irritation tonight. I wish I was advanced enough to not let this kind of thing get to me. But I know when I'm being fucked over. And I'm being fucked over. That being said I will try to put this past me and go with the flow. It wouldn't hurt to check things out around town in the meantime. See what's going on, ya know. I am certainly not married to this company. At all. All signs recently have pointed to getting the hell out of there.